Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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