My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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