Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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