i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
