i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
a search helicopter?!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize