I need to stop coming to work sober
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
