Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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