someone get that fucking seahorse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving