We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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