I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
