now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
