last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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