Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You left your underwear on the fireplace
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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