We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
