I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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