I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
