I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
