never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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