idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
