none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
