I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
