i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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