Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
