My girlfriend figured out who you are.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
