I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
