Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
