matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
