There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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