FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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