If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
