I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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