i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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