meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
