I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
