we're chasing vodka with high fives
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
