Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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