I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
