Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
should my penis look like a turkey
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
