eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
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Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married