shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours