when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
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The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.