So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Randomize
