Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Everyone says I win the strip club
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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