I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
