You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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