I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
