just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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