I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
