No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
