My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
