If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
