I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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