I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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