Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
