My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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