happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
