Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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