So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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