I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
