someone threw a dead crab at me
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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